Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
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the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
mood
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Always…
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb