Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.