“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
This could’ve been an email.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.