Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented