Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
You Might Also Like
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.