Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
handsome & gretel
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people