[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.