[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.