When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
How to find Kentucky on a map
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.