Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
You Might Also Like
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.