I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
*sewing*
A thread
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery