My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”