My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Never be a pizza!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Happy weekend !
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!