The lion king: 馃幎it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let鈥檚 do this!
Kid: It鈥檚 just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
ME: I鈥檒l have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I鈥檒l have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Her: I said I鈥檇 like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”