How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.