Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
You Might Also Like
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”