Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.