INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
our love story in four pictures
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.