I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
he looks great for his age
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.