The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Pat is about to own someone
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.