Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Yes my dude
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Awesome parenting 😂
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes