This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*