I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
my dog when i have a friend over
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.