she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
*puts cutlery down*