Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Well, that should do it
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.