“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
the clam before the storm
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.