Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.