Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper