Blew out my flip flop…
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I feel this so hard
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that