when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
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Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap