my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
the three branches of government
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy