My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks