Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
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I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m not wrong
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics