[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Breaking news:
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?