“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.