My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!