Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Cake safety first. Always.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.