Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
This anagram machine is out of order.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
me and the Superbowl rn
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The two types of wives
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table