[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein