[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.