DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
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Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*skinny dips into black hole
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
But is it really??
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.