Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
You Might Also Like
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night