[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
You Might Also Like
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
fixed it
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
We need more people like this.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.