2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You Might Also Like
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Lmfao
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.