My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
This raises questions
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Natty or not?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.