If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My time has come.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Breaking news:
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…