Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
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