It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
tourist season
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]