Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Hell yeah 👍
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.