It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Worst perfume name ever.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.